Pressing the button on the remote control harder when the tv fails to respond and jabbing it at the screen
It is often forgotten that the purpose of the remote control is to keep viewers as far away as possible from the television itself so that they don’t attempt to meddle with it , says Miko Ushuzimo ( editor of ‘Loser-Friendly’ the Quot magazine for dystechnics ) . The consequences could be disastrous in the hands of the average electronophobe . It is not by chance that most modern sets do not have knobs on them , manufacturers having deliberately removed all protrusions from the traditional design on the grounds that they only increased the temptation for viewers to fiddle with them with the effect that their ratchets eventually wore out , the knobs spinning freely for a bit and finally dropping off altogether and ending up inside the dog. Without a pair of sturdy pliers or monkey wrench always to hand viewers commonly found themselves stuck on one channel for life . Mechanics and electronics require different approaches in that solid-state technology does not respond to hefty blows.
Until remote control became standard viewers were successfully kept away from the set by having to walk the the indoor aerial round the room to get any sort of picture. Now with remotes and forty or more buttons to choose from – most of which don’t do anything at all – there is plenty to keep viewers and their meddlesome fingers from tampering with functioning parts.
Tonight’s TV – “DOOMCROAK” ( QuotTV -9.00)
You know the minute you switch on an episode of ‘DOOMCROAK’ that the death-toll will be huge . Within minutes some undeserving minion will be put to the sword on the merest whim of Gridlokk the Vile .The only question is who it will be, when, and why. Among last week’s victims was a serving girl who had interrupted the warlord’s dinner just to ask “Is everything all right ?” This week with a battle looming and Gridlokk in a dark mood it is no time to be in his inner circle of attendants – certainly now he’s discovered tha t one of toggles of his battle tunic is missing. It’s the bottom one : there’s a loophole for it but no toggle. So who will take the rap ? Will it be the toggle thief himself or the dresser who originally pointed the vacant loophole out? Will it be the general commanded to search the camp for the culprit who will return empty-handed? Or perhaps it will be the hapless serf who is the first to realise that the tunic fastenings have been improperly aligned and the missing toggle in in fact nestling under the warlord’s own beard. Or it could be his Placator-in-Chief for coming up the word ‘ misbuttoning’. There are plenty of candidates because Gridlokk is in wrathful and vengeful frame of mind and is never going to say ‘Silly me’ and forget all about it – he is not a ‘Silly Me’ sort of warlord. At best he might regard the magical appearance of a replacement toggle under his own chin as a sign of favour from the Gods – but then someone will have to be sacrificed as a token of gratitude – so things aren’t looking good for anybody really.
(Gethin Dampworth , Warrington) - QQQ**
