Always preparing a few lines of opening banter for when one arrives at parties

What, you mean you actually prepare all that stuff about not realising it was a ‘Tramps and Tarts’ party? This isn’t strictly speaking a confessional but you may be on your own here . You obviously see yourself as the life and soul of the party but it’s interesting that you haven’t thought beyond your big entrance and within minutes your badinage will be back to the old ice-breakers – “Are you local? ” or “So what car are you driving these days?” This is the problem with parties generally but particularly Fancy Dress ones which have no formula for what happens after the initial impact of your costume and the ensuing “ So if the Spiderman is Gavin then who is the Egyptian Mummy?” For the rest of the evening it’s ‘So what do you do for a living ?” and trying to balance a glass and stuff vol-au-vents into you mouth through a Baloo-head with paws. A more common party quot is ‘Going home thinking of all the witty ripostes you could have come up with had you been quick enough to think of them at the time’ and then lying to whoever you’re going home that they’re what you actually said.
(Q**** )

(Thaddeus Damp, Leytonstone) - Q****