Dry cleaners always telling you that your particular stains will probably never come off

……And that accusing look they give you when you say it’s only red wine or a dollop of zabalione , as if you’d just asked them if the cleaning process would be sure to remove any traces of your DNA. The look says “So you finally got round to tarring your driveway or repairing that tractor – but why in your best frock?” And they use the word ‘soiled’ a lot to make you feel as insanitary as they can , implying that your item – which they handle as if tongs would not be out of place – should not be even thrown away without defumigation first . Note the disgust on their faces as they check the pockets. You feel you have to plead to get them to accept it which they eventually do with a “Well, if you really must take showers under industrial waste outlets ” sigh. That’s when you start denying that the item is yours muttering that the splotches and smears – not that you’d know what they are because you weren’t there at the time – don’t look so bad to you. The ability to suck their teeth and shake their heads comes naturally to the cleaning fraternity as they do to plumbers and builders at the quoting stage of any new job. They are just priming you for a wonderful surprise when you collect your sparklingly pristine garment and tell you that it had to go through the quadruple strength laser process four times to make you think that at twenty-five quid you’ve got a bargain and not to mind too much that the buttons have disintegrated.
(QQQQ)

(Emma Scruple, Honiton) - QQQQ*